[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”