my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
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To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you