ok like just. call me at this point
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When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
A Short Story.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”