ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
You Might Also Like
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.