“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
You Might Also Like
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
beware of dog
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.