ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
When I can’t barge, I careen.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….