Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
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My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
What the hell happened in there??
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee