Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
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For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.