Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
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Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
me after drinking all the wine:
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
a lot to unpack here
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”