me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
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His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”