Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.