😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.