Anyone really
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Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
why no one uses midhusbands
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Steam Forums
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
he’s doing your taxes
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
😬