The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Ladies, why y’all do this?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
584.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
respect
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on