If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.