– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
You Might Also Like
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.