Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.