Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
scares
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
How to draw a duck
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one