17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
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What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.