My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I think this cat is broken
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.