work smarter, not harder
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My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”