Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Flock of bats
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith