Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
You Might Also Like
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
There is no “we” in chocolate.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥