Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
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When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.