The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
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Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
wow
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?