The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
You Might Also Like
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
that lip filler tho
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
The honesty is refreshing
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over