a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services