20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
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Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ