Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
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what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Beware of fowl play.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.