My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
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You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Wise advice
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
my professor scared me for a second
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.