Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
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My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’