“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
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I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
pep talk
Cool shirt 🙂
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!