[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I love twitter
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?