2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
You Might Also Like
“The Perfect Relationship”
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”