Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
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Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
also my go-to takeaway order
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.