Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
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DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*exercises sarcastically*
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.