ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
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For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.