Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever