To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
sistine chapel
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
me refusing to leave twitter
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.