I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
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Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Hilarious if literal: arms race
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.