Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.