“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
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Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*