Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
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people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: