I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
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LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
#Caturday
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.