Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Sex so good you see dead people.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.