I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
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They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.