If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
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Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Straight people are cancelled
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please