Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
stand with me against insufficient seating
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is