My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
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God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Monday
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon