Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
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My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
me
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
emergency phone
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”